entries
Wednesday, April 29, 2009- Monday's post:
Had a good 5km run with Amjad at the evening.
To be honest, I have not fully recovered both mentally and emotionally from my academic problems yet. One example happened on this day. Dr Vijaya, our course manager gave an encouragement talk to the Lvl 2 Biomedical Science students.
One of the things she said was that going to a university which is not good is as good as nothing.
So, she encouraged everyone to go as far as they can and aim for the better universities.
Adding that up, she told everyone to aim for at least a GPA of 3.0. "Can all of you do that?" And most of them were motivated with the given information and said yes. Of course, what she said was motivating, but I was very demoralised after that. For me, getting a GPA of 3.0 only has a probability of 25-30%. Looking back at the GPAs so far, that was very logical. To be honest, I was crying deep inside myself, but I did not show it. My heart kept telling me that this made me feel as useless and helpless as hell.
After that talk, Dr Vijaya talked to me for a few minutes, and asked me about myself and how I was doing. She told me I should just do my best all the way. One of the lines she said was that getting good grades isn't everything and getting the skills are definitely more important. I just told her that what she said was what I was trying to convince myself. She's definitely a respectable person, but still, its still a fact that I was demoralised previously.
But damn, how can I keep lying to myself? I might have the skills, but what's the use if you don't get to a university? Yes, of course getting the skills are more important, but getting good grades will decide where I will be. Its sad to keep on lying to myself. I have done that a lot of times in secondary school and I din't get shit from that. And in tertiary education again? I really abhor the thought of it, and the fact that I have been lying to myself too much and too long.
But really, if I were to tell myself the truth, all I can do is just do my best. Full stop. Thats all.
Whenever people come by me and say the same old line "Its not the fact that unfairness have brought me down to my knees. Its what I have done to get that." My reply now would be "Sorry I had Cancer okay? Sorry that after trying to motivate myself so much when I have no a little bit of basics, no A math and Biology background, attend school at a later date because of my recovery stage, and not attending the first basic days of school, and trying to bring my ass up from not being lazy, I did not manage to catch up and a good grade. I'm just sorry."
I'm a selfless person, who feels helpless.
Tuesday's post:
MMA Day! Worked my ass off with studies and training. Nothing much to say.
Today's post:
This is the first training in my new CCA, track and field. Enjoyed it much. Oh, and thanks aiinnx for wishing me luck. Haha!
By the way, I'm pretty much interested in throwing! I mean, not throwing rubbish away, throwing as in "throwing sports in track and field".
Oh, and credits to Lutfi for giving me an advice. I need that.
And by the way, I've got this red marks from the crunches that I did just now. Got them from the very rough floor. Notice more red marks at my lower back. Awesome-O!
*It might be easy just to think, to see, or to hear about it, but its much harder to go through a situation and to do such a thing.*
`updated on- 11:40 PM
