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Tuesday, November 13, 2007- from now on, i will do physical training to myself. Carry bag loading 15kg, and go up and down stairs and do sets of exercise every half story i go down. Tortured my leg. went to my limits. pants almost tear. LOL. will never do squats with the weight on my bag with THAT pants again. i sweated like hell. when i go back home, my knees are feeling loose. my legs trembled for some minutes there. I wanted to give up when i was doing the exercise. "My body went screaming at me to stop, but my soul just said NEVER!!" that was the war going on inside myself.
It really taught me something. Even if my legs cant carry me anymore, if i have the determination, i have a higher chance to still strike back. I know that im quite a weak person, with sicknesses hiding behind me. but oh, what crap. If you know me good enough, i always want to fight back with these. (eg. i go to gym to help reduce chest pains. i also run to do so.)
to me, whatever your environment is ( even if it causes u to fail), whatever kind of family u have, (like mine, being financially unstable), whatever it is, u can always fight back. When i say fighting back, its not about violence, and im not saying that fighting back will make u win in the end. it doesnt mean so. Fighting back still means that ur not giving up at all. It shows that you still want what you want so badly, you'll go beyond ur own stakes just for that freakin' thing. Oh well. life experiences. I fought back, but i lost a number of times. ah, its normal. at least i dont give up.
now, back to me. I think that the more i torture myself with fatigue, the better i get after i have given myself time after that. I think that after I have moved on, on my own back, I have seriously got out of my mind. I really felt for a little while that i have nothing to lose in this life, excpt my own life. I have endured through days, weeks, months, years of pain mostly on my own. Im still facing that. And i noe, im still facing my fear of being alone. I have not overcome it, although im much of a loner. But oh well, I dont think many people whom have gone through what i've gone through have survived it without going to the institute of mental health or unlike me, being helped by frens and family who will always stay by their side or attempting suicide.
I still live. and I noe i do. I stand up, although i know that theres marks scaring and damaging my own mind. But i still want to fight back.
*can you not die? argh dont think about it.*
`updated on- 9:05 PM
